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In a national poll conducted by the Associated Press, without regard for gender, race, age, religion, or economic status, the average American found these following quotes to be the most humorous from Mr. Banar.
Margin of error 3.5%
The resounding Favorite is:
If someone offers you alcohol, say no: you want to wait until you're 21 or at least until college.
Drugs DO cost money!
If you're drink underage, illegally, do it at home, with your parents.
You want to eat as much chicken without anyone calling you a pig.
We've all head about boner and woody
When the doctor's pressing against your scrotum with those gloves, he's checking for a hernia, not trying to excite you. Roll each testicle around with the thumb and fingers but not hard, you don't want to hurt yourself.
You can't commit suicide by holding your breath; I mean you could hang yourself
In a black person, when you're hot, you just get darker Cup the scrotum in the palms of your hands, but don't use a video-camera to record it.
A person's true value is not related to his size.
If you're angry, count to ten, and if you're still angry, at least
you've taken the step of counting to ten.
It's ok to have a good cry but not in front of anyone else.
Some people are allergic to peanuts and that's really scary
because they can't even eat a peanut butter sandwich.
Remember, you must have a medical license to examine the
testicles of another person.
(If someone is not circumcised) In the shower, be careful to clean your penis under the foreskin but not hard...you don't want to hurt it.
Don't go bragging to your friends:I don't like worms
In the poll these were termed as "slightly funny to moderately funny" The first time I had a colonoscopy I had gas.
If you don't get enough oxygen, you're in serious trouble.
I hope it was grape champagne.
Too many people eat their food too fast, and I, myself, am guilty of
that.
I belong to the Clean Plate Club.
A pigeon is just like a cornish hen; there's nothing to eat, it's too
small.
By itself, unless it is extremely excessive or extremely pungent, gas
is a natural occurence.
Gas is probably the most humorous of natural body functions, though it
can be embarassing...especially when you're being confirmed by the
bishop.
Let that dead dog die...lie.
Remember, do not substitute cough drops for candy.
Some of the fancier ashtrays have sand in them.
Drink fluids like water; I'm not talking about beverages.
Who's turning on the TV? Shombri, are you doing it with your camera?
If I have a bucket of chicken and nobody's there, I'm having alot of
chicken.
Usually we are aroused by looking at an attractive woman or viewing
certain movies or pictures.
From the book: It is important to remember that a male child is normal
whether he is circumcised or not.
In the shower, be careful to clean (your penis) under the foreskin but
not hard...you don't want to hurt it.
Cup the scrotum in the palms of your hands, but don't use a
video-camera to record it.
I didn't expect you to have 7 BMs in one day
When you're on a motorcycle the only thing you have is a leather jacket between you and death.
Well at your leisure; before the end of the semester.
When the I-94 ramp near I-75 closed because of that tanker, that's like having a heart attack.
You're done; you're straight
If you haven't bought one, I don't expect you to buy one.
I don't brag often, but I do have a blood donor's card.
I usually give up it up fast, Blood that is
You don't want to be involved in a fight when you're chewing.
If you're angry, count to ten, and if you're still angry, at least
you've taken the step of counting to ten.
Nobody said you're a chicken, but don't argue with a gun.
As a parent in dangerous situations, don't use your child as a
shield.
It's ok to have a good cry but not in front of anyone else.
If you're going for a girl and you shower while the other guy doesn't,
you're gonna have a better chance with the girl.
Just because you're highly competitive doesn't mean you're going to develop heart disease.
Suzanne Kobasa, I thought the name was humorous myself.
You can count on those types of people, they're always on time and usually not late.
I know two people who had headaches, head-busting headaches, they turned out to be brain tumors.
On fire alarms: As annoying as the sound is, don't stare deliberately at the flasing lights.
On pets: my wife would rather get rid of me before the dog.
Some people are allergic to peanuts and that's really scary because they can't even eat a peanut butter sandwich.
My son gets hives when it's cold and rainy;it's a good thing he
didn't wet the bed or he would have been like that all night.
Don't underestimate, and I don't want to be overreactionary, don't underestimate diahrea and constipation.
If you don't have a BM you can die, cause of death: constipation.
You want to avoid being labeled a pro-crastinator.
I don't know nothing about finance.
If you don't have a channel clicker, forget it, you won't even watch
tv anymore.
Just because a person's considered a jock doesn't mean he has to go
home Saturday and watch football from noon til midnight.
On the benefits of exercise:...and don't forget to shower too.
"Come on Huggy Bear"(said to A. Hoff as he hugged T. Szczesny)
You want to let go and sometimes it's better just to let go in
private.
If you light up in the war, there's the fire, and bam you got a bullet
in your head.
If you turned it in already, great; if you haven't ok.
I gotta believe some of the torture chambers buried people
alive;doesn't sound too cool.
My wife still doesn't like to travel on the highway. Forget it, she
doesn't go anywhere.
Don't go bragging to your friends:I don't like worms.
On bees: I casually brush them away, and when I get the chance, BAM,
they're dead. I dont miss now.
A tornado has enough power to stick a straw through a utility pole.
It just seems like a coincidence that unfortunately tornadoes always
hit trailer parks.
If I had to live in a trailer park, my first floor would be
underground and my second would be above ground. That way, if the tornado wanted
to take my roof, fine, I still got the lower floor.
"What if a hypochondriac said he had hypocondria?" He'd be in really
bad shape and in need of severe professional help.
I don't want to pick on the female race, but I've known a few
hypochondriacs and many other women use their period to explain their mood
swings, which is something you'll learn to deal with as you grow older. |
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